We are in many different types of relationships and have different ways of communicating in each one. There is the child & parent relationship, friendships, and romantic relationships. In all of these types of relationships there are the common gaps in communication that can affect the strength of the relationship. There are a few ways to ensure clear understanding and give healthy ways of communicating.
Use Active Listening
A common complaint by many people is that when they are expressing themselves in any type of relationship they feel unheard. One way to help with this is to implement active listening. Show you are listening by giving a verbal response that shows you are listening. Listening to the way they talk about the issue is helpful in trying to reframe their sentence. This allows you to acknowledging their feelings in a way they feel heard and understood.
Validate their feelings
When using active listening you are validating the other person’s feelings. Let them know that it is understandable that they feel this way. Repeating back to them what they are feeling is a great way to show validation. It is important to validate even if you don't agree and just emphasize it is up to them how they chose to act on their emotions.
Using I Statements
Try staying away from blaming statements. When it is your turn to express your emotions try to use a structured I statement. " I feel ____ when you ____ because _____. For example, "I Feel hurt when you tell me I won't make it into a good college when you are mad, because it makes me feel like you don't believe in me and that i will be a failure." When we express ourselves using I statements we leave open a door of communication. Once criticizing and blaming statements become involved, the other person will close off. For example, " You never believe in me and that makes you a bad father!” This type of statement closes off any openness to communicating about the real issue at hand, which is the hurt and the assumption that their father doesn't believe in them.
Model Appropriate & Healthy Communication
This is especially important for the parent/ child relationship. You are the model of what your children learn when it comes to communicating. Children will see appropriate and healthy communicating being modeled for them and they will learn from that based on how you interact with others. Also with friendships and romantic relationships, it is easier to show that person effective problem solving and communicating when you model that towards them.
Being Aware of yours and Their Secondary Emotions
When anger is being shown it is almost always a secondary emotion. Going back to the college example, the blaming sentence was anger towards the father. When the I statement sentence was used, the primary emotion of hurt and sadness came through. This allows the recipient to understand there is more behind the anger and that there are actually feelings of hurt. Being aware of this can be very helpful when you are trying to model for the other person how to communicate.
Taylor Tenenbaum, LPCC
Modern Therapy Counseling
taylor@moderntherapyoffice.com
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